I got published in The Onion Dome!

http://theoniondome.com/2014/04/12/exhausted-faster-just-cant-lent-any-more/

Exhausted Faster Just Can't Lent Anymore

This is a satire news site for Orthodox Christians.
Here's an excerpt from a New York Times story on Mormon women:



The block of ice cream was melting fast. Jessica Sagers, who returned from her mission last year fluent in Korean, worked quickly with her date, using a knife and a melon baller to sculpture the slab of vanilla into something that resembled a skull. In a room carpeted with plastic tarps at Brigham Young University, male-female pairs chiseled away, then scooped their artwork into bowls to make sundaes topped with candy.

Goofy icebreakers are customary even for cosmopolitan Mormons like Ms. Sagers, 23, who was then applying to a bioscience doctoral program at Harvard. It was a Saturday “date night” in her singles ward, the church’s answer to bars and nightclubs. At the age of 18, Mormons typically join a ward, or singles congregation, where those of marrying age gather for worship and social events. Without alcohol or coffee to lubricate the socializing (both are prohibited by the church’s Word of Wisdom), there are bowling outings, pie-eating contests, ballroom dancing lessons and, in traditional Mormon fashion, lots and lots of sweets.
I read this and thought, "Isn't that delightful? Why can't we do something like that for our singles?" Not that I want to borrow too much from Mormonism, but I think we could do a little more to get the single people in the same room.

A first date you ought to have

As Eddie got to talking with Allie during lunch, he started tracing lines around her face. Her earrings hung down like chandeliers and seemed to point down to her collarbone and make an arc. Her nose and cheekbone created a separating line that looped around her mouth and made a lovely dance every time she laughed, and her hair resting on her shoulder carried his eye to her wide-necked shirt, and down the neckline to her chest, which was covered by a white camisole behind the green shirt. He realized this was one of the things women's fashion did -- lead the eye on a long journey to the breast, making it seem larger by calling in neighboring parts of the body. The long skirt she wore seemed like it would draw blossoms on the floor if only he could get her to dance, which he thought was possible given that there were another two concerts coming.

The more she talked, he imagined the lines of her face, hair and body as tracing the shope of a sail, on that he could blow so gently on with a word or a smile and get a response, a symphony of reflected light he was helping continue.

This was so much different than before -- before, Eddie's friends would make dating sound so easy, that all you had to do was try. His frustration sometimes tempted him to try harder, which only made him feel as if he were punching air so strongly that he fell forward. Now, the more subtle his behavior with this fascinating brown-haired girl, the more progress he made.

As the day went on and he built up the nerve to hold her hand  -- a choice that had made his heart pound in his neck for fear she might stop talking to him -- he began to notice that his thoughts would cause the pressure of his hand to change. If his mind wandered to the anger of last week, the violence of long ago, his hand would clamp down, making her look at him or ask what that was for. He simply smiled and said he was balancing after leaning too far one way, and hadn't realized he was doing it, but the experience made him realize the need to think about his thoughts -- they actually mattered.

Over the next weeks, he kept thinking about Allie as a sail, restraining his impulses and carrying them both along, giving reason to care about why it was important to call, to smile, to compliment. For now, though, he simply loved to watch her talk. He did not move in for a first kiss and hoped she would not pucker at him because kissing would mean he'd have to close his eyes, and he did not want to do that, yet.

Leaning on the Friend Zone

It sure has been a long time since I posted anything here. Some important elements of life have intervened, specifically a new baby who decided to arrive quite early. You can read all you want about that at the blog we created for Gabriel John's long hospital stay. Or, if you're feeling more visual, here's a photo montage of the process.

What's inspired me to write today is that I've discovered that the Oxford English Dictionary now has an entry for the term "friend zone." I was in college in 1997-2001, and we did not have the term "friend zone" back then, but I kind of wish we did as it is a delightful term that describes most of my college non-dating career.

Once I was telling my wife, whom I met at 26, about one of these friend-zone girls from college, and I explained to her that there was lots of tension, arguing, some romantic interest, but no actual warmth with this girl. Miri said, "Is this another one of your fake ex-girlfriends?" Apparently I talk too much about all the girls who friend-zoned me because Miri knows the pattern of the story too well.

Why did I end up getting friend-zoned so often? After years of careful study, I have come to the conclusion that the answer is: leaning. You get friend-zoned when you lean too much on someone for companionship. It gets especially bad when the girl you're leaning on figures this out and leans on you for her long-term, nice-guy needs while going out with short-term, high-energy jerks.

Back in the late 90s, the wise advice was to seek out friends first, not seek out people to date. (As an aside, this also means that Facebook and LinkedIn are great at figuring out who my exes are by finding most common connections and they suggest that we connect over and over and over again... ARGH!)

In practice, seeking out friends first what this means is that you collect an awful lot of friends whom you'd like to date but don't. It also means that you're trying to slide in to a relationship from side, that is, becoming friends with girls in the hopes that all this high-quality platonic hanging out is going to make her hear Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet playing in her head when she sees you. And, you hang out a little longer, drop little hints, go to movies together, remember her birthday, and say "Gosh, why are all the good girls taken?"


You could be more direct about your interest, but then you probably wouldn't get to hang out with her any more, which would take you from being just frustrated to being frustrated and sad. So, you keep on leaning on the friendzone, spending time with her like she's your girlfriend even though she's not. I did this with no fewer than eight girls. (I kind of lost track. I'm a real Lothario when it comes to not dating women.)

One of these girls loved to talk with me. She, like I, was getting majors in communications and history back then, and went on department trips to Society of Professional Journalists conventions back then. One day, I found her at the University Center cafeteria, at lunch on a Sunday, and we sat and talked for several hours, until dinner started, and then we didn't have to pay for dinner. (Back then you paid to get in, not for the items you ate.) We talked about the history of anti-Semitism in Europe, and she wondered about the sources of it for a paper she was writing. I said, "Oh, I know an article written by Mark Twain on the topic, called 'Concerning the Jews.'"

She said, "That sounds like just what I'm writing about."

I said, "I bet I've still got a copy of it from when I was using it last year."

That last part was a total and complete lie. At the end of the conversation, I ran to the library, found a copy of a Mark Twain anthology, photocopied the article, stapled it, wrinkled the pages, highlighted a few pages, wrote a few small notes in the margins, put little tears on a few pages, dropped a book on it, and stuffed in a bag and took it out several times to make it look aged. The next day I gave it to her.

"Oh!" she said brightly, "Do you save everything from your old classes?" She was quite happy to have the article, but, alas, I think she only liked me for my conversation ability.

All my memories of this friend-zone girl are happy. A different one learned to lean on me in much the same way I was leaning on her. I wanted to hang out with a pretty girl, and she was an only child with . . . issues. And she liked to talk. A lot. At first I thought she was brilliant, and then it turned out she had a large vocabulary of words that sometimes came out in the right order.

I think she wished she could have had a brother growing up, and decided to lean on me to be the nice guy who respected her. But, she also liked to wear really sexy clothing, flirt with me and accidentally bump her boobs in to me often, which didn't mesh with the brother-you-never-had thing that well. The first year I knew her, I put up with this. The second year I knew her, we argued a lot. The third year I knew her, she considered it an act of treachery that I was getting tired of her. I also starting bicycling with one of her ex-boyfriends, and the fact she knew we were comparing notes drove her up the wall. Then I graduated.

I suppose most girls would say that they'd rather have a boy who respected her space and didn't try to go straight for the kiss (or the bed, depending on the morals of the group they hang out with). If you do take the next step with a friend-zone girl, she's likely to say something like, "I thought I could trust you not to threaten me this way." But, at the same time, it's a very long, very slow, very painful form of rejection.

So, now that this problem of friend-zoning has gotten so out of hand that it has its own entry in the dictionary, what is to be done? I have some suggestions I would like to put in to an ASCII-text e-mail and send back to my 1997 self:

1. The Schedule. There is a great deal of power you have in the schedule. I think one of the reasons I was getting friend-zoned so much was I was leaning too much on girls for time -- hanging out with them too long, talking too much. I should have gone to their dorm rooms to talk, and then left after 20 or 30 minutes. This way, you retain your mystery about yourself, and you don't actually get to the point of needing to be given the "just friends" talk.

2. Less analysis. One of the things college will do to your brain is make it analytical, make you want to talk about all the causes for things that happened in Nazi Germany, and while you're at it, if you have a girl in the room who likes drawing things out of people and getting attention that way, you might as well analyze all your insecurities. No, you shouldn't. This is like expecting to be taken seriously after posing nude.

3. Look out for girls who are leaners. These are attention-hungry girls who don't like you, they just like how they feel when they get attention. They control time, but they don't actually share it even though you're there with them.

That's all I can think of for this blog entry. I kind of wish I had more interesting things to say these days. I also wish the legendary blogger Allie Brosh would come back from depression, but alas, creativity doesn't always happen the way you want it to.

The Shy Single Christian's Guide to Coffee Hour

Hey everybody! I have gotten a new article, The Shy Single Christian's Guide to Coffee Hour published on the Boundless Webzine. I am really excited about this! Forward it to all your friends, tell them to buy my book!

Fictional short story in the Kenyon Review

Here's a link to a fictional short story in the Kenyon Review entitled "Esther Donnaly" by Ron Carlson. It's about a married couple putting things back together. It cheered me up. It's not quite the same topic area as what I've been writing, but I feel that professional courtesy requires me to call out good writing when I see it.

The coveted first royalty check!

More promotional things going on!

I got interviewed about my book on Come Receive the Light, a program on the Orthodox Christian Network. My interview is the second half of this particular segment. It went pretty well, although Skype proved to be a pretty fickle medium.

I've also sent my book to Google Books, which will make 20 percent of the book available for reading as a sample.

I'm still looking for speaking opportunities. Promoting a first book is harder than it looks! Thanks for all your support!

Ancient Faith Radio interview!

I got interviewed on Ancient Faith Radio, an Internet radio station! Check it out!


Let me know if you're going to a youth conference over spring break or something (especially in the West). I'd love to write the organizers and come speak.

A blogger interviewed me about my book!

Here's a link to an interview with me about my book, Heaven Help the Single Christian:

http://byztex.blogspot.com/2011/01/interview-with-author-of-heaven-help.html#more

And, if you're interested in buying the book, click here.

Promotional video for the book!


With the help of many friends, I have made a promotional video for Heaven Help the Single Christian! Please tell all of your friends. And, maybe a few enemies, too.  :-)

The box that actually WAS a bookbox!

video

The box that looked like a bookbox...

video

Four stories of broken romance

Here's a humor article I wrote for "19th Century Russia," an Orthodox Christian humor blog. It's managed by my friend Brigid Strait. The article is satirical, and it's four stories of broken romance.